Tuesday, 17 May 2011

The fuzzy wuzzy foggy reality!

Sometimes life is just too overwhelming and I don’t know where to begin. It’s a bit like looking through a smudged glass, all a bit misty and foggy and hard to see the reality. I find it hard to FEEL the reality, that’s what it’s like being me and what it has always been like. I told a counsellor once that my life and head felt like an un-tuned TV – all fussy and noisy without clarity. I don’t think she knew what to make of it or me.

All I can say is “it’s always been like that” because it has and I don’t know how this will ever change.

Some time ago (around 5 years ago) with yet another bout of serious depression I was given a new drug and the dose was increased. It was coupled with a beta blocker for anxiety - another issue which has always plagued me. I took the tablets for a week and then they kicked in.....lovely. For a few blissful days I experienced what it must be like to feel normal, I was alert, wakeful, controlled, calm and able to cope with the world. The disordered eating stopped and I had unending patience with James who I found challenging and difficult in the years before diagnosis explained his odd behaviours. It was wonderful.... and temporary, after around one week I returned to my normality which is foggy and unfocused.

I have had endless discussions with my GP regarding these issues and suggested ADHD/ADD. I have suggested Dyspraxia (which I am certain I fit) all to no avail, she will not refer me anywhere because I am an adult. Not only am I an adult but I am an adult “who has achieved and achieved well”. Yes I am but how much more could I have achieved  or how sooner could I have achieved things if the issues which have plagued me all my life been identified in childhood with a definite diagnosis.  There was lots of vague talk about my brain” working differently to other children”, just what did they mean? Meetings with an Educational Psychologist in childhood placed the blame firmly at my Mum’s door because her marriage had broken down despite the fact that it was my father who had left my mother high and dry. Great! If in doubt blame the mother, thankfully those days are gone.

My argument is that dyspraxic children grow into dyspraxic adults with the same challenges to their day to day lives. Likewise J is not unlike me as a child according to my Mum, let me think how many labels J has....and how much support he receives which was not there for me.

Interestingly I have learned this week that I had delayed speech and language development as well as difficulties with socialisation in school, the child who was bullied because she didn’t understand how to relate to the other children effectively, the child who was scared of flies and balloons which went BANG and left me feeling shaky, the total and utter disorganisation, the dislike of some wools next to my skin, the dislike of lots of background noise, facial blindness  meaning non-recognition if someone was seen out of contaxt and many of these issues remain. Not for no reason am I a tad isolated at times, not for no reason do I find it easier to relate to my cat who is more predictable than I find people to be sometimes.

Sooo... my GP will refer me nowhere and I am not accepting it, I am taking matters into my own hands and have a private appointment with a Clinical Psychologist in July. I want answers to the difficulties I have had all my life and which I still have even though I have learned many coping mechanisms. It will be interesting to see what she comes up with...if anything. Even no answer from her will be an answer of sorts. At the very least I hope it will give me some insight into this feeling of being overwhelmed and foggy.


cheeky curves said...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time, I hope your vist to the pshcologist will prove helpful

Order and Chaos said...

Thank you for your kind thoughts.
I have to say just writing that down was cathartic. It clarified a few things for me, not least that the appointment with the clinical psychologist is the correct thing to do.
I am learning about myself and seeing myself in James who is a real tonic. So so glad he has the support which I didn't, thank goodness we've moved on.

Smithy said...

Good for you for taking matters into your hands; there's still a perception that dyspraxia isn't something to "worry about", but if it causes life to be foggy - as it does with me - then you're doing something that is incredibly brave and admirable. I applaud you.