Monday, 28 November 2011

Advent and all that....

So we are rapidly approaching Christmas and I am at a crossroads with regard to how I tackle the next year with J. As my recent posts have shown, J is experiencing some real difficulties at the moment and as a result so am I. My depression which was under control has raised it's head once more and keeping a positive outlook is hard. I have reached the stage where somethiong has to give and I suspect that what will give is my job. I only do 15 hours a week anyway but even that seems like just one more thing to achieve on top of being a good enough parent to J and keep a routine for housework going. I have always felt that J shares traits with me and feel I am probably on the autistic spectrum myself. Having said that, I am extremely disorganised (ADD?) and would thrive if I had a routine I could follow religiously every single day. How to get that routine is beyond me though and all I can see as a solution to all this is to stop working and make J and the house my job for a few years while I sort all this out.

I am constantly exhausted with sleepless nights, sleep apnoea when I do manage to sleep and the late nights of J. Consequently finding a way of getting organised into any sort of routine is beyond me much of the time.

I have made a list of the pros and cons of my life with work and without work which was helpful but depressing at the same time. The Pros being that I love my job, that it gives me time to be myself and do something for myself. It also gives me a lease car which is due back in December and the (a negative)refusal of a new vehicle unless I increase my hours which initially I felt I could do. The negative aspects of working are that I am around much less for J in my mind which is already scattered and disorganised. Ironically I am probably worse off financially IN work than I would be out of work. I already find my life hard to organise with J and work is an added stress for me as I worry constantly about missing anything due to my tiredness.

All in all I seem to have made the decision in my head that I will have some time off and am already trying to decide how I will word my resignation letter. I know my manager will not wish to lose me as we are already shortstaffed but I have no desire to be the person "always off sick" either so unless they can agree some parental leave then I am out of there.
How I will cope without a car is scary but I will sell my iPad and start a car fund, as long as I have something to get me from A to B then I can cope.

Tonight I discuss it all with my GP who is logical, sensible and lovely, and at the moment these are the qualities I need.

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