Freedom for a week.

So J has left this morning with his Daddy for a week in Somerset with a possible jaunt into Wales and the home of his grandparents planned too. M has phoned to report their safe arrival and the immediate relaxation of J who had plonked himself down on the big squashy armchair and was flicking through the Sky channels in search of something he wanted to watch.

Me? Well I am actually exhausted today. I think it's called "burning the candle at both ends" with a combination of work, catching up with an old friend and then a night of drunken antics with my friend E, who has recently been bereaved by the sudden death of her partner at the age of 47. E needs a project to keep herself going at the moment, I can only think that I am IT as she has been very keen to match me up with single friends of hers for a while and all to no avail as I have simply not been interested until recently.
Anyhow, this project of hers culminated in Tuesday evening with wine (too much), much laughter and to my dying shame a french maids outfit which exposed far too much cleavage. I was dressed as what my mother would call "a wanton hussy" and so drunk I did not care! Actually that is probably NOT a good combo but there we go...alcohol does funny things to people. What I do know is that I have not enjoyed an evening like that in a long while but I have paid for it with the inevitable hangover and the mortification of knowing that photos of me in said maid's outfit exist. Oh dear, oh dear.....

So to today, 48 hours on I am exhausted, admittedly a trip to and from Heathrow airport in the blazing heat did not help matters here but I actually felt fine yesterday - it is today I have paid. And it has poured down today, I got soaked and all I now want to do is wallow in a deep bath, drink tea and fall asleep on the sofa watching a chick flick - preferable with a warm purring bundle of feline contentedness next to me.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday and a weekend off beckons....as does decorating the wall which E and I covered with lining paper a few weeks ago.....we drank wine while doing so and the result can be seen as you look along the wall and the work got more and more slipshod - oh dear. Good job I plan to cover all the flaws with pictures and a mirror really. Then I tackle the bathroom and J's room all being well, it will be a boring Magnolia for J's room to start with, he has ideas of a Mario  themed room except that getting wall stickers is a nightmare and I may have to get out a pencil, some paint and put on my artistic head....needless to say that bit will NOT get done this week. The bathroom paint is ready and waiting, I just need a few extra bits before I start.

So a free week beckons, but it's packed and I hope to get lots done while J is not here and I will still work but will find time to rest too....somewhere in the schedule.

Hearts, Minds and Feelings

 
It has been a few years now since M and I separated due to various issues causing hurt on both sides and I have never felt the need to blog about it before.

M and I still maintain a good (if slightly difficult) friendship which is essential for J. He needs to see his Mum and Dad talking civilly to one another without arguments and recriminations. I think on the whole we manage this well and J has had fun times in the company of both parents.

Until last year I had been under the impression that neither of us had been able to move on emotionally. However, I am now aware from M that he has made attempts at dating other women and had one or two lunch dates. On these occasions his feelings were not reciprocated (their loss ) but it is safe to assume that had they been interested in taking things further M would have moved on. I asked him about this last week and he confirmed that this was the case.

So now I am starting to feel a need to move on albeit slowly.  M’s feelings were badly hurt by my leaving Somerset. My feelings were badly hurt by issues which occurred there and which M had never shared with me. It is no exaggeration to say that I felt stunned by what I heard from M regarding one issue and coupled with the other problems it was the final straw. It ruined everything for me with regard to our marriage and I told M this when we went out  one evening to talk at the time. I have never been able to change this...I think our marriage was in effect over at that point.

We limped on for a few months before I succumbed to what can only be termed as a meltdown/nervous breakdown (call it what you will).  Without a doubt this was one of the lowest times of my life and it was also the same for M. We were both hurt, confused and lacked the ability to tackle this together despite still getting on well. M felt rejected by me, I know this, I felt low, depressed and exhausted all the time. The guilt I felt by my perceived rejection of M has never really dissipated and despite his issue (which predated our relationship by some years) I could not help but feel partially responsible. Even worse I was aware that M still loved me but after all that had occurred I could no longer feel the same way.

I guess that’s the way when any marriage breaks down, you have two people who have failed to communicate fairly major issues which if tackled might have kept them together....and in our case M had lied throughout our marriage with regard to a fairly major issue.

So – we are both moving on, M is looking for a new relationship and has been for some time, he expresses self esteem issues when rejected and needs to accept that sometimes people are just not interested....to take it on the chin as it were and move on... others will be interested.

Me, well I am moving on finally too – it’s been a few years now and I have not dated, have not wanted to date and felt quite happy with my single status. This is now changing....
I am not going to identify M here, he knows who he is and so do I. I'd like to see him happy in a new relationship and I'd like to see him have more of a liking for himself... nothing is more attractive than someone who realises their worth, it's time M realised his despite the difficulties which led to the breakdown of our marriage.

Autism speak

I love autism speak....J like most children with autism can be very precise and literal in what he says and understands without necessarily getting things quite right. This leads to some hilarious conversations at times - either with J or overheard when J is talking to others.
For example, my mother has practically adopted one of the local priests, he is about my age but has lost both parents. In my Mum's eyes this makes him an orphan in need of adoption - and she wants to adopt! Recently he was invited over to my Mum's house for dinner - an event to which J and I were also invited. All went well - my father referred to the priest as "the parson" (shades of Little House on the Prairie) and also as "the vicar" (actually suspect my Dad may have some autistic tendancies) and J was on his best behaviour.
At around 9.30pm as J, I and the priest left for our respective homes, J shook the priest solomnly by the hand .. "Goodbye Fr B.....and make sure you look after God", and good old Fr B replied with good humour, "Actually J, I am rather hoping God is going to look after me".

A few days later and J's Dad is here with a collection of Dr Who DVDs, now I have a hankering after the ...ahem...talented Christopher Eccleston in the role of Dr Who and requested several episodes from that series including one called "Bad Wolf".  J having sat through a few episodes was agog at the "Bad Wolf" one until he realised after much explanation from both his parents, that there was in fact no wolf and the name of the episode related to something else entirely - J was not impressed and showed it by stomping off in a huff.

So - I have to watch what I say.....a couple of years ago on holiday with some friends who had a dog, we stopped to have a good long walk at Maiden Castle in Dorset - this is very windswept, wild and open and I noted with satisfaction that Sancha (friend's dog) would be in "doggie heaven" here. This throwaway comment drew much distress from J, "she's not really going to heaven is she Mum" and a reassurance that this was "a saying" and not meant to be taken literally.....the conversation went on for some time before J could accept that Sancha was not, in fact about to die, but was rather going to have a long and satisfying walk/run in a wide open space.

So we watch what we say and be prepared to explain when we have to....

"It's raining cats and dogs" = "Where Mum?"
"Kill two birds with one stone" = "What? You're joking aren't you Mum? Mum, is that a joke?"
"An apple a day keeps the Doctor away" = (J raids fruit bowl).

J is literal, not overly so and he is able to recall things so that once heard he may well know the next time "that is just a saying".....sometimes he needs reminders but mostly he gets by.
I am proud of him for being himself and for seeing the world in his own unique way...he is special and I never tire of telling him this. .. and I never tire either of hearing how J has interpreted conversations and events because without a doubt he will have seen something which nobody else has...and sometimes that is magical.

Strive for Five!

J's school has a neat little reward system going where each child is marked out of 5 each half term for a variety of "good" things like attitude, behaviour, politeness and respect for others. At the end of the year the scores are totted up and the points out of 30 is awarded to each child.
Depending on each child's score there is a reward, children earning 28-30 points get a trip to the local activity/adventure park. J has 29 points and I am so pleased with him for showing the world his good behaiour. Who says all children with ADHD are badly behaved ? I'd like to introduce them to my son.

Spiritual stuff and J.

J has attended a Catholic school since we moved to the town when he was aged 5, the school as I reported in my previous post has been amazingly supportive to his special needs. Although the school is a Catholic one with a Catholic ethos it is far from insisting on church attendance or making children enrol for Communion classes. It is just a nice local school which has the needs of its pupils as the focus for everything it does.
Recently J has started to ask about Communion classes as his friend attends and he wants to go to. As a result of this we started going to church and I have discovered that I actually really like doing so. J is less keen but if he wants to attend the Communion classes then the church attendance is pretty much a requirement. In addition he needs to be baptised too so even more reason for attending church.

What J wants to do more than anything though is ..."take the bread" as he sees others doing. I have explained that this is why he will be attending classes as this will be the focus of them. I asked J if he knew what "taking the bread" meant., "yes" he replied confidently.." it means I can eat it" so not quite got a clear understanding of the symbolism behind it then!
I often wonder when I see the children from "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" going off and making their first communion whether they attend any classes or understand the symbolism of what they are doing. It's a big leap of understanding for a child...any child... to have a real understanding of change from  the reality of bread to the symbolic body of Christ. Not easy to explain, even harder to understand when you are small and the world is already a bit confusing.

In addition to this we have J's Dad who does not believe in organized religion  as such and who finds the recent church attendance all a bit of a mystery. J will talk to his Dad about "Jesus being kind" and his Dad will reply that "Jesus was a good man" without going into his belief that Jesus was just that, "a man" and not wrapped up in all the religion as spoken by the Catholic church.  This might be something he will be able to discuss with J when he is older and more able to process difference in belief systems. He knows that his Aunty Moonroot is Pagan or "a witch" as J has heard (he is deeply impressed by this). J also know that his Aunty has a "magic wand"  AND "a broomstick" which she assures him she only flies on at night. So we have discussed the different ways people pray but not differences in who they may pray to. Life is already complicated enough without trying to tackle that one yet.

I am rambling a bit here because without a doubt J is enjoying some aspects of the church and finds others (such as Mass) "very boring" as he openly told the priest one afternoon.  Thankfully the priest was able to say that he also finds " the Mass boring sometimes" - thank Heaven for a human and normal priest.

So - come September J will start his communion classes and sometime next year will be baptised. I will attend the classes with him both to help supervise and also to ensure J understands what is happening.

In the meantime J says regular prayers, some of which are school taught and others  which are ad hoc as he sometimes prays for his hamster who died or for "all the children ill in hospital". I am proud of him for taking it all in his stride, for coping with Mass when the school take him over and for being an angel in Children's Liturgy when it is busy.

Teacher's Strike......

...or rather NOT in the case of J's teacher who does not belong the the union(s) which are taking action today. J is distinctly unimpressed by this as his class is one of just 3 which have to attend school.
Anyhow the strike and the publicity with regard to teachers has got me thinking about things. I am not a teacher and don't think I could be either, to hold a class of up to 30+ children in your care and keep them interested in whatever subject you are trying to share is a skill and talent.

So.... can you put a price on a good teacher? I don't think you can and J's teacher is the epitome of what I would call a "good" teacher. It's not just the knowledge she imparts but the way in which she does so. Teachers don't just coldly "teach" or at least J's teacher does not, In short she is lovely and J has thrived in her care this year.

Below I have listed just some of the ways in which J's teacher AND his Learning Support Assistant have helped J this year.

1. Going out of their way to welcome him into the Junior school and putting him at his ease.

2. Taking the time to get to know him really well in order to identify triggers for distress. These triggers are then minimised.

3. Learning how to use some software which enables J to write social stories using visual symbols. J then brings these stories home so that we can share them again.

4. Attending training to enable them to support J's ASD behaviours in the classroom and really get the best from him.

5. Not being afraid of moving away from the National Curriculum to help J (and other class children) at times. I am thinking here about how they supported J through the loss of Bramble our hamster.  ALL the children had an opportunity to talk about loss and grief. J was then able to choose a flowering plant to put in the school garden. He was encouraged to write his pet's name on a large lolly stick which went in by the plant. Now he has a space in school to remember her.

6. By getting to know J and supporting him they have enabled my very insecure little boy to raise his reading age by 2.5 years over the last 9 months and to go from below national Curriculum level in Maths to achieving virtually on a par with his peers.

7. They have maintained regular contact with me and asked advice where needed about any of J's issues.

8. They have given J his self esteem back - how can you put a price on that? My little boy who always thought he couldn't "do it" when it came to academic work now has the confidence to know he CAN. This is wonderful to see in J and he is definitely easier in other areas as a result.

In short - I LOVE TEACHERS.  They are unsung heroes in my book and this is why I support them today.

So thank you to all good teachers today, whether striking or not I think you are great.

Ditto to good schools where staff pull together as a team to support the children in their care.

For my Aunties.....

For my Auntie Margaret and Auntie Theresa

Beloved Aunt oh so dear

I wish that you could still be here

To share your sage advice so true

You were always wise and always YOU

Such laughter and fun

We always shared

I know as well that you always cared

I miss you more than I can say

I’d love to spend another day

Laughing and chatting over tea

Being with you inspired me.

Sadness now that you are gone

Without you we have to carry on

I know you are in pain no more

And that’s a blessing I can’t ignore

But I miss my aunt oh so dear

And wish I could still hold her near.

Auntie Theresa with her beloved granddaughter.

Auntie Margaret with Uncle Johnny