Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Conversations with my son.

Last night I had the following conversation with J who started by telling me why he didn’t want to go to school today.

“I don’t want to go to school because I don’t like assembly”

Assembly has been the topic of conversation a few times with J so I dug a little deeper.

“Why don’t you like assembly J”?

”I don’t like assembly because I am bad and I got sent to the office”

“What did you do that was bad”?

“I can’t behave myself and I am naughty”

“What did you do that was naughty”?

“I can’t behave myself”

"Yes but what exactly did you do"

"I was bad"

We went round in circles like this for a few minutes with J seemingly unable to explain what he did that was bad or naughty or misbehaving. I am always wary of putting words into J’s mouth but can quite imagine the difficulties which might occur if you sit J in a largish hall with echoing sounds perfectly designed to overhype his senses. So I asked him if sitting still was a problem and back came the affirmative. “So” I said “you don’t like sitting there and you end up getting up and fidgeting”?

“Yes” said J “and I got sent to the office and so I cried-ed”

And then came the heartbreaker

“I am a fake boy”

“What’s a fake boy J”

“It means I am no good and I am stupid”

“No you are not stupid and you are good”

“No I am a fake boy and I need to be sent back to heaven”.

Cue lots of tears

Somehow I suspect his self esteem is rock bottom and that is not good. It stands to reason that if everyone around you is sailing along and you are not, if everyone else finds life a breeze and you don’t that you might start to wonder why.

I am now on the point of wondering how I explain autistic spectrum disorder and ADHD to J.

Maybe I start with “you are special because you think differently to other children”

Or maybe I watch a bit of the "Young, Autistic and Stagestruck" series with him.

Or maybe I find a book which explains his differences in a gentle way.

Whatever the choice I eventually make the fact is that at some point I will have to have that conversation with him rather than leave him floundering and wondering why everyone else can manage X, Y or Z and he cannot.


Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

My kisses and hugs to J and my strength to you...you sound like a wonderful mother :)

cheeky curves said...

Believe in him, it may not be what the world expect of him, but if he knowns that only one person trust and believe in him thats his passport to his future

Christine said...

Bless his heart. It is hard to hear your child feeling bad about themselves. Hope he has a better next week.

Pagangracecat said...

Thank you all for your nice comments. I have spoken to his school who have been fab.

You mean there's more??? said...

That's a great start, you have the school on board.

J is not bad, he just needs help with his behaviour.

He is not his behaviour.

Everything will work out for you, I am sure.

Pagangracecat said...

Bless him - no he isn't bad or naughty or any of those other negative things he thinks he is sometimes. My conversation with the school was helpful because they were totally unaware that he was feeling so bad and will work on this with him along with me. I am lucky with his school.